Don't Gel Too Soon

Sons Really Do Get Married, and Their Parents Really Do Love It, (and Nobody Cried)

There we are, our sweet sweet family with it's newly married eldest and his lovely brand-new wife.   It's an out-of-body experience to watch your son get married, and this was a wonderful one.  I'd been very nervous:  would it go well after the two of them had worked so hard on every detail, would they have fun, would we cry, would I look ok (well, after all, those photos last forever.)

It all did go well.  The groom (in the middle) was so joyous and ready, his speech so sure and calm; his wife so lovely and pleased, his brother (on the right)offering the loveliest, funniest, just-rightest toast ever.  There were only 80 of us so over the weekend we became a kind of tribe, tables shifting as people moved around enjoying the event, and one another. 

It was a great joy to me to see how much the boys feel for each other.  I have, today, two of my dearest wishes: that my children be good friends and that each son find a partner who is wonderful, honorable and loving.  So far so good.

I'd been thinking for months about the power of time, of change.  One of my friends commented on my Facebook page that "I remember when Josh was xeroxing his little hands in the office!" I do too.  And I thought I'd be consumed by those kinds of thoughts.  But this just felt right, timely and good for everyone.  No nostalgia, not "where are you going my little one, little one"  "sunrise, sunset" thoughts at all.  Just gratitude at the happiness and love that surrounded the bride, the groom and the rest of us.  May it always be so.

Womanomics Hits Home - Punditmom's Home, That Is

I had the privilege this morning of attending a book party at the home of the one and only Punditmom, whose talents are exceeded only by her very lovely self. 

The event had real star power:  BBC's Katty Kay and ABC's Claire Shipman, both solid, unpretentious, smart, thoughtful women - and moms - and, oh yeah, network news stars.  Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably know that they've written a book called Womanomics, whose basic thesis is that it makes economic and corporate governance sense for the needs of women workers to be accommodated by their employers.  In fact, if their book is right, and there is no reason to doubt it, there is a real revolution afoot.

For someone my age, it's thrilling to hear employment issues discussed with assumptions we could never have made.  Asking for schedule adjustments, work/family life balance, was out of the question.  We were just fighting for equal pay and a few weeks off when we had our babies.   The argument these two women make, that businesses are learning that women in their workforce in great numbers, and at all levels, is of great value to their bottom line.  They line up to hear the two speak; join conference calls by the dozens to be briefed and basically finally get the power and capacity of "more than half the talent, not just more than half the population."  Interesting, accessible and funny, great believers in their mission, they were a pleasure to meet and listen to.  I can't wait to read the book.

OH and I'll post about The Wedding soon.

Days Before a Son Marries; Mothers-in-Law Get Jittery Too

These two sweeties will be married on Sunday.  One of them is my son.  My first born.  My baby.  I don't know why I've been so reluctant to write about it; it's a beautiful relationship and a joyous moment in all of our lives. But I have been silent, or almost so, about it for some time.  Can't seem to let myself write.  My sweet friend Karin Lippert, noting my cryptic tweet, wrote:  

Congratulations... mixed emotions are the new normal, the new black? No, we have all always had overwhelming,wonderful emotions about our kids...  

She's right, I guess.  The mix isn't between wishing well and not so well, it's between joy and respect for the place these two have found together in the world, and my profound sense of time passing, and of change.  I'll keep you posed when I can.

You're Doing What? Trains, Planes and Automobiles (and Us)

It's pouring in Chicago.  We arrived early this morning at the end of Phase One of our Great Adventure.  So you don't feel uninformed, here's the story:

1. Our son is getting married next Sunday in San Francisco.
2. My husband has a (we hope recently repaired) detached retina and can't fly until we know the repair worked.
3. If we had waited until we were sure the surgery was successful, it would have been too late to drive if we had had to. 
4. We are already fairly broke from tuition and the slow economy so why not spend even more money and take the train? 
5. (really 4b) it turns out that the train is very expensive. 
6. We don't have a choice so why fret about 4a? 
7. There were no seats on the train until Chicago. 
8. I drove 700 miles yesterday to get us from DC to Chicago to get on the train (retina detachment makes it hard to split the driving.)
9. Our family doesn't know we took the train because the groom was worried about his dad's eye so our early arrival will be stealthy. (don''t tell)
10. At least all this is distracting me from the sentimental squishiness that keeps sneaking up on me. 
11.   You are now ready to return to the present where 

Rick and I are in the Metropolitan Lounge at Union Station in Chicago waiting for the Southwest Chief.  You can see the route above.  Actually I'm more excited than annoyed - it is something we would have never done if we didn't need to.  I can't picture the accommodations - I'm betting on a cross between all those black and white thrillers where people were always chasing each other up and down the aisles and flirting in the bed-sitting rooms and who knows what.  We'll see.  Meanwhile we're in the lounge with about a billion people on an "America by Train" group, with some smoker's coughs, name tags for all, and a pretty friendly environment.  I'm too tired to be friendly though.  Unusual for me.

I will try to post this afternoon but they don't have wireless on the train (WHAAAAT????) and I'm having trouble pairing my blackberry so it's a bit sketchy.  If I can't post I'll keep a diary and post it when I can.   Wish us luck.

Sunrise, Sunset: an Amazing Day of Jewish Rituals

We all feel gratitude for the beautiful moments in our lives.  In the observant Jewish life we live now those moments are often built around life-cycle events, usually moving and sometimes profound.  Last week, we had a Sunday that brought the entire thing into broad relief.  It's taken me a week to think it through and write about it though.  It was just so huge.

We began early, at a bris.  That's the moment of circumcision, welcoming a Jewish boy into the covenant with God on the 8th day of his life.  This one was held at the parents' home, full of their friends and those of the grandparents.  The mother's mom and dad are good friends of ours, kind, generous, no nonsense people, a librarian and a doctor.  Like any mom, she was helping her daughter.  Like any mom, she was greeting guests with hugs and personal welcomes.  Like any mom, she was dashing from counter to table with salads, platters of food, drinks, desserts.  Unlike most moms though, she did it all with a "crew cut".  In the midst of chemotherapy for breast cancer, she's decided there was no sense in "wearing something silly" to cover her hair loss, so she didn't.  Watching her hold her new grandson, both of them reminding us of the value of life at its most basic, was amazing.  You can imagine how it felt to be part of this - new life, fighting for life, affirming life - all in one family in one day.   It was quite a thing.

Blown away, we set off for our second destination, far less nuanced and very sad. A young friend with a toddler, expecting her second child very soon, had lost her mother to cancer.  The funeral, filled with other young parents with infants in their arms, was sad as they always are, laden with the grief felt by both this daughter and her husband.  Her parents had long been divorced, her ailing father lives with them, and for her last months, her mother had as well.  It's a huge thing to be that responsible for each parent singly and still live with one's responsibilities for spouse and children.  This couple took the responsibilities on gracefully and willingly.  

It was heartbreaking to hear the impassioned tribute this young woman gave to her mother, to understand the depth of her loss.   Jewish funerals are immediate, simple and highly symbolic: the 91st Psalm recited as the procession stops seven times on the way to the grave to symbolize the reluctance to bid farewell, internment in a simple pine box, all attendees contributing to covering the coffin until the grave is full, shovel by shovel, to support the lost and the mourners.   I've always said that the way Jews deal with death is one of my favorite of its many beautiful attributes; it seems to add symbolism to the grief and meaning to the death.  

Deeply depleted, as if a gray cloud had descended on our day, we returned to the car and moved on.  We were late, but able to arrive midway through our next engagement - a wedding.  As you can imagine, it was tough to rally but we did our best.  The bride and groom are a lovely (and very tall!) young couple, with a combined sweetness and wry sense of humor that endeared them to everyone.  So we were honored to be there.  It reminds, too, that life is indeed a circle, as corny as that sounds, filled both with sadness and joy.

We ended this amazing Sunday with a kind of interim ritual - between the beginning of life and the rituals of adulthood: a bar mitzvah party.  The young man celebrating his Saturday Torah reading and entry into Jewish adulthood is a remarkable kid, and the joys of this celebration were compounded by the special nature of this boy and his family - all hugely active in the community - fun, scholarly and kind.  They were the first people we met when we moved to this aging community that has since grown into a thriving, intergenerational congregation.   Newly arrived from Boston, they had chosen it because it needed new members to replace those who had moved away or died.  When we got here, the "bar mitzvah boy" was a little kid.  Now he's a poised young man with legions of friends from age two (really) to 82.  We all consider them a gift.  It was wonderful to celebrate with them.

So that was our day: a journey through Jewish tradition, commemoration of joy and grief, birth and loss, life and death -- and a reminder of what an amazing journey we all - Jewish or otherwise, travel together.

Progressive Majority Panel 3

America's Future Politics Panel

Boomer Chronicle #117: Plenty to Click On

Here's this week's carnival, from the inimitable Rhea Becker at The Boomer Chronicles.  The summer seems to be bringing us plenty of original and thoughtful material, so be sure to stop by!

Off the Grid - Torah and A Major Light Show

I'll be offline until Sunday celebrating a somewhat (and undeservedly) obscure Jewish holiday called Shavuot.*  It celebrates the giving of the Torah on Mt. Sinai - a story I love not only for its religious importance but also because it sounds like such a wild light show.

16. It came to pass on the third day when it was morning, that there were thunder claps and lightning flashes, and a thick cloud was upon the mountain, and a very powerful blast of a shofar, and the entire nation that was in the camp shuddered.  

17. Moses brought the people out toward God from the camp, and they stood at the bottom of the mountain.  

18. And the entire Mount Sinai smoked because the Lord had descended upon it in fire, and its smoke ascended like the smoke of the kiln, and the entire mountain quaked violently.  

You know I'm not a Bible quoter but this is just so great and dramatic - isn't is?  Anyway I'll see you Sunday.    

*OH and the cheesecake is up there because this is a holiday that is, traditionally, heavy with dairy meals. 

Sonia Sotomayor: A Blogger Tour (of Sorts)

What do Sonia Sotomayor and Elle Woods have in common?  Plenty, according to a wonderful post by the ever-original PunditMom.  That's just one of many, of course.  I'm offering here a kind of tour - mostly of women whose views are notable in one way or another. 

At the ABA Journal, Debra Cassens Weiss offers - and debunks, the four most likely knocks on Judge Sotomayor.

We all love Culture Kitchen's Liza Sabater.  This time she's outdone herself in several intriguing (and some fun) posts on the nomination.  Meanwhile, Jill Tubman's post on "sexist attacks" appears both at New Agenda and Jack and Jill Politics.  There's a video conversation at Laura Flanders  among  Firedoglake's Jane Hamsher,  Lynn Paltrow, Executive Director of National Advocates for Pregnant Women, and Jose Perez who's a lawyer with Latino Justice.

Thinking about the judge's environmental record?  There's a brief exploration by Karen Murphy at SuperEco.  Want to review more newsy discussion?  Professor Kim Pearson, at Professor Kim's News Notes, has a nice early review.  Jezebel has a survey with a little more attitude, too.

Jen Nedau provides a review of the record and some thoughts beyond and Jill Filipovic a nice exploration of differences of opinion and the judge's underlying value.

Finally, at Tech President, Nancy Scola offers, as usual, an original perspective: just how has the White House put the nomination out, and with what ammo?  It's pretty interesting.

This is just a sprinkling of what's out there; add your own in the comments and I'll include them too.

Sonia Sotomayor - Sharing the Obama, and the American, Story

It was striking to listen to the President and Sonia Sotomayor today.  Listen to her story, and think of his.  The parallels are striking.  Early "modest circumstances", early loss of a father, strong women supporting them (for Obama his mother intellectually and his grandmother in other ways, for Sotomayor her mom), and the power of - the huge, profound belief in -- the power of education to change a life.  It is becoming a mantra of this administration - the President's speeches and appearances with young people, certainly those of Michelle, and, we see today, of his choice for Supreme Court nominee.  I was liveblogging with Kim Pearson at BlogHer and wrote that I believe Obama is "retuning the American sensibility." By "retuning" I mean returning us, like a tuner with a piano, back to the standards that  sustained us for so long.

My father made it impossible not to understand the value of education.  His father came here from Eastern Europe with nothing and my dad, with the help of several scholarships and three jobs at a time, graduated from Harvard and Harvard Law School.  He told me once we probably wouldn't inherit much - that "your education is your inheritance."  And so it was.

For much of the past couple of decades though, that belief has been blunted - by the tech revolution (even though much of it was produced by immigrants who also built a life here) and the greedy 80's, by the growing gap between the wealthy and even the middle class, and by what has felt to many like disproportionate power in the hands of business.  It has just looked harder to get from those humble beginnings.  Our values were so much more about money: the sports stars and rock stars and the Donald Trumps of the world than education and service and personal responsibility. 

Of course, the barriers are still devastating for many.  How does a child entering preschool with a 500 word vocabulary keep up with one entering with 15,000 words?  Research tells us that's often the difference between kids from well-to-do versus economically challenging households at preschool age.  There is a wealth of work to do to make it possible for us all to truly start out on a level playing field.

Even so, it's exciting to think about what happened today because the central players have "walked the walk" within their own communities and beyond, managing challenges in race, gender, ethnicity and class.  No matter how the nomination turns out, it's a reminder of what we want to - and often do believe about our country: that those dreams are still possible, that the stories with which many of us grew up are still true.  It's up to all of us to make sure that we continue to return to these beliefs, and where they are not yet true, work to make them so.

Maureen Dowd, Michael Wolff, The New York Times and Notoriety

I have been a fan and follower of Michael Wolff for years.  Read his stuff in the bubble and afterwards.  Even read Burn Rate, his lively, funny and very interesting history of the rise and fall of his Web company.  So I get his email every day, with links to his Newser columns. They're usually fine, when I have time to read them.  Today though, he's outdone himself so I wanted to be sure you knew.  The piece is called "Maureen Dowd is All in Your Head"

Given what Wolff writes about The Dread Plagiarism Incident, I'm not offering any of my own perspectives here.  I just wanted to take note of this very interesting discussion of journalist celebrity, aspirational followers and the New York Times in general.  Here's a sample:

Here’s my question: Why are boring people so interested in her? Ever since she began her column in the mid-nineties it has been de rigueur among people who, relatively speaking, have no opinions about anything to have very firm opinions about Dowd. Among a great swatch of uninteresting people she is the officially sanctioned, government-approved lightening rod.

The role Dowd has played is striking.  Even in the context of being declared tiresome,  she evokes a pretty acid response from a pretty touch cookie.  Interesting, no?

Playing With the Big Boys: Bruce Springsteen's New Drummer and the Rest of Us

Does the young drummer in this photo look familiar? He's definitely not Bruce's long-time drummer The Mighty Max Weinberg. He is, however, a Weinberg, Max's son Jay.. I learned about this from my own son, who IM'd

"Did you know that Max Weinberg's son is now the drummer for the E Street Band?  It's a great story - little coverage.  Seriously - he is 18 and no one has picked up that an ageless band now has an 18-year-old on drums."

He's right.  It's a wonderful story, for many reasons.  Just because it is, first of all.  But also because all parents love it when their kids go into the family business; at least I think they do.  That's not all, though.  To be fair, Jay is only going to tour with them when his dad has to stay in LA to help launch the new Conan O'Brien Tonight Show. Even so, there's something lovely about Bruce calling and inviting him to join the band. Anyone who's ever watched a sound check or read about Bruce knows he's got high standards; this was NOT a sentimental decision. Jay can play the drums.

So why do I love this?  A demonstration of that kind of trust by a national legend close to three times  his age is pretty impressive.  The idea of two generations on stage together as peers is an example of something that's been important to me for years: alliances across generations in all manner of venues.

I've been writing both here and on SVMoms about the tensions between Boomers and Millennials.  There is a growing stress between us.  Just a month ago I heard a young political social media genius - a serious one - mock the Boomers who claimed they helped to end the Vietnam War.  "Dead soldiers ended the war, not you guys." he said with determination.  Permutations of that attitude abound; although perhaps less so in families where parenting was respectful and strong and included a history of those times and a modest explanation of what we were trying to do.  

President Obama, whose attitudes and capabilities I admire, tends to imply that it's time to ditch, at the least, a lot of the rhetoric and style of that time.  I don't disagree.  All that I want is for those of us in my generation and the younger people whose core values we share to be free to travel across the boundaries of style and execution to be allies and friends rather than adversaries.  That kind of sharing emerges from respect in both directions, from engaging younger people more as peers than acoytes.  That's what the Obama campaign did, and look what happened.

I've been fortunate, because of my relationship with my sons, because I've worked in the Internet world for ten years -- so much with younger people, and because I am part of a community full of young families, to be able to do the same.  But the divisions are growing for many of us, and they're sad.

So when Bruce, who has so often spoken for so many, crosses two-thirds of his life to, at 60+, add an 18-year-old drummer to his band, it's an example and a message for which I am grateful.  No one who knows his music would ever think he would add a drummer to send a message; he takes his music, and his fans, too seriously for that.  He is, however, reminding us all that, 18 or 80 - talent, music, dreams, ideas, faith or fun, the walls need not be so high.  Whether it's campaigning for a candidate, working for women's rights, writing a poem, cooking a meal, building a house, growing tomatoes or making music, we are all pooer for the walls we build, and richer for the gifts we share. 

Blogging Boomers Carnival #116: From 401(K)s to Folk Art

Welcome to the 116th Carnival of Boomer Blogs.  This crew has been a joy and a great resource for as long as I've been privileged to be part of it, and this week is no exception.  Given the economy and all, let's start with John Agno of So Baby Boomer.  John, always wise, warns us this week that early withdrawals from Individual Retirement Accounts and 401 (K) plans are a "No, No!" because they trigger taxes and penalties that can really add up.  Good advice, no?

While we're on serious "boomer interest" topics, we'll move to Wesley Hein at LifeTwo.  This week he's writing about HBO's multi-part documentary on Alzheimer's Disease.  The underlying message is that Alzheimer's can no longer be ignored.  I've actually seem some excerpts and would concur.

That health issue is part of what makes Janet Wendy at Gen Plus "mad as hell" and she's not going to take it anymore...maybe.

On another side of the economy, let's talk business.  Andrea Sternberg at The Baby Boomer Entrepreneur asks: "With Twitter you can have conversations with a large number of people, but do these twitter conversations convert to actual sales?  That question haunts many small business Twitter users and is the main thing", Andrea says, "holding others back from giving Twitter a try."  You'll find her answer to this dilemma in her post Make Money with Twitter - Is It Possible?

Also on the business end of things: do you ever feel like a loser?  The Midlife Crisis Queen did often after she lost her job.  This is how she dealt with it.

One of our founders and leaders, Rhea Becker, reports from Boston on The Gemini Web "I can't read my favorite magazines any longer without eyeglasses.  I think they're using smaller type.  Or maybe it's just me."

 On a cheerier note, the Glam Gals (style experts for women over 40) ask, "Have you heard the true story of the woman who overcame having diabetes, while losing 100 pounds and then entered the Mrs. Idaho pageant?"  This is a must-read and inspiration story, they  tell us.  Find out more from FabulousAfter40.com.

Oh - and do you remember watching Art Linkletter?  Dina at This Marriage Thing, who loved the show Kids Say the Darndest Things shares some newly discovered gems about marriage "out of the mouths of babes."

Feeling artsy?  During her recent travels in the Florida Keys (who wouldn't love that?) Barbara Weibel at Hole in the Donut discovered Stanley Papio, whom some consider an important folk artist, while others insist he was nothing more than a welder with a yard full of junk.  Stop by and contribute to the conversation!

In the same vein, Ann at Contemporary Retirement has a video clip of some amazing sand art, crated by Ilana Yahav using just her fingers, some sand and a glass table.

One more travel contribution from Nancy Mahegan at Vaboomer. Ever want to sell everything and retire on a beach in Mexico?  Read about real people who did at Vaboomer.com,

Finally, my own contribution is a tribute to an old friend, long-time New York Times Book Review Children's Book Editor Eden Ross Lipson.  If you have children you've probably made use of her classic NY Times Guide to the Best Books for Children.  She was something special.